Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A comma in the sentence of life.

I had the (dis?)pleasure of finding a fairly old journal of mine - starting a little over 2 years ago and ending up on Christmas 2008. It's one of 2 surviving journals I have - one I gave to my sister a few years ago because she asked for it.
I've been keeping journals since I was 6 - and had about 12 of them from the past 17 years. I used to look through them from time to time, but sadly they, along with most of my childhood possessions, were lost in the Great Move of 07 that No One Told Me About. I know it's been over 2 years, but it's something I still can't get over. They contained 17 years worth of feelings, thoughts and memories that I can never get back.

But this one journal that I do have - because it was with me (at college) when the GM07NOTMA took place - made me really think.

And realize that in my personal notebook, I am very whiny, mopey and all the things I don't let myself be on my blog.
usually. most days.

but there are some universal truths there that i can't ignore.
the number one being (and this has been a reoccuring theme throughout my teenage-present day journals) my less than lack-luster romantic life.
and I can't help but think that maybe on 12/21/08, after getting rejected in a very hurtful way, that I was onto something.

"I really thought things had changed this time...i stopped saying negative things about myself...even more, I stopped thinking them. I let myself be happy and not worried constantly about getting rejected. But of course, The Pattern had to show itself again.
It always starts the same. We go on a few dates, we talk, interest appears to be mutual. Then, it stops. Suddenly. For no apparent reason. He disappears, usually with some stupid explanation, or sometimes he just vanishes. And I never hear from him again. I was a filler between relationships, a comma in the sentence of his love life. Nothing substantial. Just a divider between the good stuff. Something to fill the time.
Certainly, if the pattern has repeated itself this many times, it must be me and not them, right?"

It's happened to me roughly six times now. And it's always very sudden - the one I was talking about on that day...we had been dating for about a month, seeing each other every weekend, talking on the phone every night, when he kissed me goodnight one evening, left, and I never heard from him again. I sent him a text the next day, which he ignored. I thought ok, maybe his phone is broken. Sent him a facebook message, wanting to make sure he's ok. Thanks to the stalkerfeed, I know he's been online. I get nothing back. So I call him the next day and leave him a voicemail. I tell him that I don't care if he's not into me anymore, but I'd really appreciate him TELLING me and not just blowing me off.
Nothing. He literally just dropped off the face of the earth.
it's not like I was in love with him, I wasn't even sure that he had long term potential. I think I really just liked the fact that a guy was interested in ME for once, and not using me to a) get to my friends or b) not be alone. But either way, it still hurt. Sometimes those are the blows that hurt the most.


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