Saturday, October 31, 2009

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do

Addiction runs in my family.

I grew up knowing my father and his brothers were alcoholics. When I was 12, i found out that my father was also a heroine addict. I'm proud to say he's been clean and sober for 7 years.
My mother has an alcohol problem - i don't know if i'd say addiction yet, but it's heading that way.

It runs in my family. I've known this. It's something that i find myself battling against every day - I try not to drink often, because I don't want to develop that addiction.

I've never so much as tried smoking pot. I try not to gamble either. It's how I try and minimize my chances.

We've known for a while that my little brother has a drinking problem. He's only young to have something that lasts for your entire life.

Tonight was the final straw. He got a friend to by liquor for him - drank the entire thing. He had gotten into a fight with his sometimes girlfriend earlier in the night. He ran out of the door and down the road. We live off of 2 highways and several fairly busy roads. I got in my car and went to look for him. My sister - who is pregnant - got in her car and went the other way.

It's mischief night. the cops are out in full force. And he's stumbling running down the street, punching anything that got in his way.
Finally, he falls and passes out on the road. On one of the main streets in our town.
Fortunately, someone stopped and helped us get him into the car. He woke up and started banging his head against the door.
I've never felt so helpless in my entire life.
He asked to get checked into rehab. He started crying, telling us he's been doing coke. He wants to die. He yells that his mother abandoned him. His father hates him.

meanwhile, my heart is breaking.
he's sleeping on the couch beside me right now.
tomorrow, we will take him to a teen rehab center about an hour away.
it will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

mikey, i wish i knew how to help you. i wish i could take this pain for you. i'm your big sis, it's what i'm supposed to do. but i can't. i don't have the right skills to help you. i can't make you listen to me like when we were little. i can't change this.
so tomorrow, when you are angry and upset, know that me and becca are doing this because we love you. because we can't stand to see you continue on this path. because we don't know what else to do. because we want you to live up to all the potential you have inside of you. you are a good person - you're just a little lost right now.
and it's ok. we all stumble sometimes. but the most important thing is that we have to pick ourselves up, even if that means accepting help from others. even if it means doing something hard. i promise, we will make it better.
even if it means putting your faith into someone or something else.
i love you little brother. even when you are having trouble.


Jane said...

Gosh, I don't even know how to respond to this. So heartfelt and touching.

I'm so sorry that you (and he) are going through this... it's always tough to have someone you love so much in that position - and to do everything you can but always wish it were possible to do more. :( It just never gets any easier, so I hope and pray that this will be successful for him, and he's already ahead of the game by virture of having someone who loves and supports him so much.
xo and major blog hugs :)

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