Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Milk and Cookies

Dear Gia,

I woke up thinking about you today. It's not your birthday, it's not the day you died. It's just another day. But you were on my mind this morning. Although, you are never far from it.

Can you believe in June, you will have been gone for 5 long years? I look back and try to see where those 5 years have gone, but I can't. I remember when it was one month, and 6 months, and how terrible it still felt one year later. It still feels terrible, but I no longer trick myself into believing you are alive.

Except at Christmas. When Aunt Sharon comes through the door at Christmas, I still half believe that you will be right behind her. I wonder if that will change this year.

It's hard to believe that you would be 25 if you were still here - do you get older, where you are? Or are you still 21, younger than me now...the same age your sister is? That was tough for Aunt Sharon and Aunt Bunny - that exactly a month from now, your little sister will be older than you ever lived to be. I know it's on their mind, because when that day happened -the day I was older than you had lived to be, Aunt Bunny called me. She told me I was officially the oldest.

I'd rather still be the second oldest.

I wonder if Aunt Bunny still counts your death in days. I know Aunt Sharon doesn't, but last Christmas - Christmas is always hard - when someone spoke your name (you see, we still talk about you. We remember.) - a memory about something impish you did when we were little, and it was just the 2 of us - she said "it's been 1,298 days since my grandbaby left us. how many more until we see her again?"

I wish we had an answer for her.

We still miss you. Becky is having a baby, but I'm sure you already knew that. He or She will be the first person born in our family since you died - another milestone. DJ was only a baby when you died, and now he is in preschool, and like you, a little mischievous imp. But Carlin-Rose or Michael will not know you at all. There will be no pictures of him or her with you, there will be nothing to tell them "Your Auntie Gia once tickled you until you cried." about you - because the two of you will not have existed in the same world.

I remember on that terrible day, June 2, 2005 - a day that is forever burned into my heart - that I thought the world would stop. That time would never move forward and that it was just a matter of time until we all woke up from this terrible nightmare.

But the world started moving again, way too soon. And time proceeded on.

And worst of all, it's wasn't a nightmare that could be stopped.

almost 4 and a half years later, the tears don't come as often. the memories don't always bring a tear and hearing your name can bring a smile.

But hearing Baby Got Back or riding a roller coaster brings me back. Eating a cookie dunked in milk, seeing Jello commercials, the water pistol games on the boardwalks - they all bring you to mind.

And seeing a little girl who wants nothing more than to be like the big cousin she adores always stops me in my tracks. And it brings me back to our childhood and sometimes it feels so real that it's hard to believe it all happened so long ago.

But the reality always comes back too quickly.

You are gone, and I am still here.

I love you. And I miss you. Always.


Sharee said...

You are amazing Phyl and I know she can't wait to see you again either. Love you.

Post a Comment