Monday, November 23, 2009

Anticipate

I know i've been keeping everyone in suspense - but since I don't have internet explorer on my computer, I have no idea whether I have fixed the problem or not (on Firefox, my blog shows up fine, no problems at all)

But anyway.

I've always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. That to change one thing in your past might alter your future. Live with no regrets since you can't change the past anyway.

But lately i've begun to wonder. If I could turn around and do my life over again...or even back up to a certain time and place and change what happened, would i? Every day, I start to think that a little more.
Like maybe I never would have moved back to NJ.
Or I would start graduate school right away.
I would never have tried to move back with out a solid plan (those who know me know spontenaity and myself do not mix)
I never would have wasted so many years waiting for someone who would never treat me the way i deserve to be treated.

It's hard to look at where you are in life, discontent with where you are, unhappy with where your life is and NOT think that maybe, you would change some, or all, of it.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Frustrating

So I've had no problems seeing my last blog entry on my computer, but right now as I'm babysitting my cousin, I logged onto my blog and saw that it was NOT displaying, at all. Actually, nothing other then my header and one picture from that entry were showing - does anyone else have that problem or is it a glitch on this computer only? (assuming you can see this one, that is.)

the best years...take 2.

I decided over a year ago that I wanted to write about my college years. Actually, somewhere in the abyss of my mind, I decided it before I even graduated. On the surface it seems like it should be easy enough. But will I ever be able to give those years the justice they deserve? And if I can, then comes the hard part - narrowing it down to the events that matter most, because in 4 years at my beloved Alma Mater, I had enough (mis)adventures to fill a library.

So what do I write about? Do I write about the 20 or so of us who ran around campus together as Freshman, like we were invincible? The newness of everything still fresh in our minds, just starting out on our adventure. The Codorus Girls and the Evergreen boys - we thought it would go on forever. I could easily capture the newness of it all, the struggle to adjust to life with out parents and siblings, aunts and uncles. How from day 1, we started to feel like a family and high school started to become a distant thing of the past, so easily forgotten .


I could also right about our tumultuous Sophomore year, once the newness had worn off but the end was still no where in sight. The "hump" year. Not Freshman, we knew the routines and the dailiness, but we weren't quite upperclassmen thinking about what would come after. For me, it was the year of J and A, two of my best friends. Two girls who I have the dream friendship with. When Julie and I are together, we speak a language that only Ashley can sometimes understand. It's funny how much of that year they consume, especially when considering that they would have such little impact on my last two years of school, but have, since graduation, come back to once again be 2 of the people I trust most in this world. Two people with whom time never changes our friendship - months can pass with out talking and then a phone call changes everything, and nothing has changed between us. Two people who I can't imagine my life with out.


Or maybe I should start with Junior Year - the year of the Alpha Lambdas. The end was slowly starting to creep into our vision, but it was still so far away that it hardly seemed tangible. The year of Phi Sig - when the 5 of us became who we are today. In some ways, it definitely feels like it's where I started to become the person I am today, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that with out the Alpha Lambdas, I have no idea who I would be today. That year definitely holds a special place in my heart, and I will forever look on with with happiness. It's hard to believe that yesterday marked three years since it began. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday we were pledging, getting in, I can still remember everything about that time, and as much as we complained about all the work at the time, I know that I personally wouldn't change a thing. On the other hand, i can hardly remember a time before I knew them. Before we were the "creepers." the Lambs. The Furious Five. I often wonder too what role Marina would play in it all if she hadn't left school and refused to stay in touch. We wouldn't be the Furious Five, that's for sure. The Sassy Six maybe?


Or maybe, I should write about the end - Senior year. The 4 O's. Really, it's more than senior year, it's the summer after Junior year, the year we lived at the 300 Zoo. When the 4 of us were inseparable, we still had our Lambdas, but the O's were different. We were roommates, they were my best friends. I probably miss the year on 300 more than any of the other years, although I think it's extremely safe to say that with out the first three years happening the way they did, I doubt that the fourth year would have much significance. The year was passed on the porch, cups in hand. It was passed with inside jokes, laughter and knowing that before we could blink, graduation would be here and it would all be over.


I look back on my college years as the best four years of my life, even though it has been a little over a year since it has ended. I haven’t written any thing substantial in a long time, aside from blog entries, and I want to capture these 4 years before I forget them. Because that is my greatest fear - forgetting one second more of this time. I know some moments have already faded from my memory - things that are seemingly insignificant but truly helped to define the person I have grown into.


We entered as children, completely on our own for the first time in our lives. The choices we made during these years led us down paths. Some of these paths we forged together, others we traveled alone. But through it all we were there for each other. We left as “adults” ready to face the world and what ever it would bring. At least, that is what we were told as our identity as college students was stripped away from us - whether we were ready or not.

It felt as though we weren’t ready, but the events that have happened since than have proved that maybe we are ready to take on the roads and lives that lie ahead of us. Like we have a choice in the matter.

That is the story I want to capture - the little moments. Those moments that to an outsider, may seem like a forgettable, completely unremarkable encounter, but to me are the snippets of time I wish to hold onto more than anything. The moments passed on the porch, in the sorority house, where time almost felt like it was standing still to give us another moment to savor, but in reality it was hurling us forward into the unknown.

the best years...take 2.

I decided over a year ago that I wanted to write about my college years. Actually, somewhere in the abyss of my mind, I decided it before I even graduated. On the surface it seems like it should be easy enough. But will I ever be able to give those years the justice they deserve? And if I can, then comes the hard part - narrowing it down to the events that matter most, because in 4 years at my beloved Alma Mater, I had enough (mis)adventures to fill a library.

So what do I write about? Do I write about the 20 or so of us who ran around campus together as Freshman, like we were invincible? The newness of everything still fresh in our minds, just starting out on our adventure. The Codorus Girls and the Evergreen boys - we thought it would go on forever. I could easily capture the newness of it all, the struggle to adjust to life with out parents and siblings, aunts and uncles. How from day 1, we started to feel like a family and high school started to become a distant thing of the past, so easily forgotten .


I could also right about our tumultuous Sophomore year, once the newness had worn off but the end was still no where in sight. The "hump" year. Not Freshman, we knew the routines and the dailiness, but we weren't quite upperclassmen thinking about what would come after. For me, it was the year of J and A, two of my best friends. Two girls who I have the dream friendship with. When Julie and I are together, we speak a language that only Ashley can sometimes understand. It's funny how much of that year they consume, especially when considering that they would have such little impact on my last two years of school, but have, since graduation, come back to once again be 2 of the people I trust most in this world. Two people with whom time never changes our friendship - months can pass with out talking and then a phone call changes everything, and nothing has changed between us. Two people who I can't imagine my life with out.


Or maybe I should start with Junior Year - the year of the Alpha Lambdas. The end was slowly starting to creep into our vision, but it was still so far away that it hardly seemed tangible. The year of Phi Sig - when the 5 of us became who we are today. In some ways, it definitely feels like it's where I started to become the person I am today, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that with out the Alpha Lambdas, I have no idea who I would be today. That year definitely holds a special place in my heart, and I will forever look on with with happiness. It's hard to believe that yesterday marked three years since it began. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday we were pledging, getting in, I can still remember everything about that time, and as much as we complained about all the work at the time, I know that I personally wouldn't change a thing. On the other hand, i can hardly remember a time before I knew them. Before we were the "creepers." the Lambs. The Furious Five. I often wonder too what role Marina would play in it all if she hadn't left school and refused to stay in touch. We wouldn't be the Furious Five, that's for sure. The Sassy Six maybe?


Or maybe, I should write about the end - Senior year. The 4 O's. Really, it's more than senior year, it's the summer after Junior year, the year we lived at the 300 Zoo. When the 4 of us were inseparable, we still had our Lambdas, but the O's were different. We were roommates, they were my best friends. I probably miss the year on 300 more than any of the other years, although I think it's extremely safe to say that with out the first three years happening the way they did, I doubt that the fourth year would have much significance. The year was passed on the porch, cups in hand. It was passed with inside jokes, laughter and knowing that before we could blink, graduation would be here and it would all be over.


I look back on my college years as the best four years of my life, even though it has been a little over a year since it has ended. I haven’t written any thing substantial in a long time, aside from blog entries, and I want to capture these 4 years before I forget them. Because that is my greatest fear - forgetting one second more of this time. I know some moments have already faded from my memory - things that are seemingly insignificant but truly helped to define the person I have grown into.


We entered as children, completely on our own for the first time in our lives. The choices we made during these years led us down paths. Some of these paths we forged together, others we traveled alone. But through it all we were there for each other. We left as “adults” ready to face the world and what ever it would bring. At least, that is what we were told as our identity as college students was stripped away from us - whether we were ready or not.

It felt as though we weren’t ready, but the events that have happened since than have proved that maybe we are ready to take on the roads and lives that lie ahead of us. Like we have a choice in the matter.

That is the story I want to capture - the little moments. Those moments that to an outsider, may seem like a forgettable, completely unremarkable encounter, but to me are the snippets of time I wish to hold onto more than anything. The moments passed on the porch, in the sorority house, where time almost felt like it was standing still to give us another moment to savor, but in reality it was hurling us forward into the unknown.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The road is winding, but...

Over at 20sb, there is a really interesting topic discussion right now: describe your life in a 5 word sentence. After a long debate, I decided on

The road is winding, but...

I know - it's not a compete sentence. And I also know, it's open ended. It could be happy, or it could be completely depressing.

For example;

The road is winding, but it is worth it.
The road is winding, but it will straighten out eventually.
The road is winding, but you will get there one day.
The road is winding, but sometimes it goes in circles.
The road is winding, but it can end at anytime.
The road is winding, but it is not with out forks.

So what about you? How are you defining your life these days?

And on a side not, has anyone heard the Glee version of Defying Gravity? It's bringing tears to my eyes.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Sunday Smiles

1) Books
2) Gilmore Girls
3) Enjoying work
4) crushes

Friday, November 6, 2009

Aussie land? Mais, je suis.


I envy him. In Hunter's world, everything happens the way he wants it to, and if it doesn't, he moves on.
He wants to go to Australia? He's going to Australia. He realizes it costs money? No big deal, he's going to play his harmonica for money and then go.
Dad won't let him out of the house to play his harmonica? No problem. He goes on youtube and it's all better.
He is self-content, not relying on others for his happiness. He could go days with out communicating with anyone, and it wouldn't make a difference to him, not at all.
Disappointment doesn't last long in Hunter's world. Neither does sadness. He's mostly a little ball of happiness and energy.
Yes, I envy him.

But then I think about to other side of it..he can't tell you how others are feeling. he doesn't feel empathy. He doesn't feel guilt. His emotions can be categorized as either "happy" or "momentarily sad." He doesn't have words for anything else he feels. Mostly, it's happiness.

He lives in the moment. He isn't thinking about the future, he isn't thinking about something that happened 2 years ago. He's thinking about now.

I envy him sometimes, I really do.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Harder than a rubix cube

I've been sitting here in front of this page for almost an hour, trying to come up with something to say. I have a million little thoughts going on in my mind right now, and I can't seem to find the right one to write about. I don't know what to say about anything.
I want to just freeze the world for a few hours, to give my mind time to catch up.
I'm 5000 words into my novel for NaNoWriMo. 45000 to go. Can I really do this? Can I really write a novel?
I'm having some difficulties with this one - I'm a very character driven writer. I know my characters, and tell their stories. This one came to me in reverse - I know the story I want to tell, but I'm still getting to know my characters. I know my background characters pretty well - it's my main characters who are still hiding from me.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Maybe, for the first time, since I know where the story is going I'm afraid. That I'll actually accomplish something. I'm finding myself in my usual paradox - I'm to afraid of failing to succeed. I know I can never fail if I don't try, but parts of me are so afraid of that failure that sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to try.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Sunday Smiles

1) Loving your job...even if it's not a "dream job"
2) Organic chocolate soy milk
3) a NIECE to be born in February
4) A book that makes you feel like you're catching up with an old friend
5) My little princess, Matilda