Sunday Smiles

1) New episodes of Army Wives.
2) Audrey Hepburn
3) Good hair days
4) a beautiful, happy, niece who is growing and changing every day.
5) good music

Where's the Love?

My family takes an annual vacation to the shore every year. We have for as long as I can remember. It's ALWAYS the first week in August. And we've always been pretty lucky as far as weather goes - I can remember it raining literally 1 day on all of our vacations, ever.

I was 9 or 10 that year, and my dad and uncles decided a trip to the nearby mall - which the woman at the front desk of the hotel said had an indoor playground. So off we went. What better way to keep 6 children, ages 10 to 6 entertained on a rainy vacation day?

If only my father had known what he would start that day.

We walk into the mall and see signs about a free concert for a new, relatively unknown pop band. I begged my dad to take me, and he obliged. Quality father daughter time or something like that.

We listen to the band - they are brothers, according to the signs. The youngest is my age, maybe a year older.

I'm instantly smitten. The band? Hanson. You know, "Mmmbop," long haired blonde brothers?

I've been a die-hard fan ever since. When Middle of Nowhere hit stores later that year and my fellow fifth grade classmates were drooling over Taylor, I already knew every word to the whole album, and most importantly that Zac was my future husband.

Ah, 10 year olds. Zac Hanson. Wasn't really dreaming big, was I?

Anyway, the next summer, they were touring and a friend's mom was buying tickets for her birthday for her and 3 friends. I was psyched. I had to see them.

My mother wouldn't let me go. My friends, the sweethearts* that they were, called me from a pay phone at the concert to let me know what I was missing. That Zac was cute and they were playing songs off their new album and they had both bought concert shirts and OMG how amazing it was and didn't it suck that I wasn't there? But I shouldn't be too jealous, because they were only in the 10th row. Not the first.

Fast forward a few months, when one of my friends comes over. She laughs at the Hanson covered walls and informs me that they are so elementary school and the N*Sync is what is cool now, and that I should take them down and she won't tell anyone I was so uncool.**
I take them down, silently apoligizing to the boys. She helps me find an N*Sync poster in a magazine to hang up, until I get more.

Once she's gone, all my Hanson posters come back up.

Fast forward 9, almost 10 years. It's the day of my college graduation and Hanson is playing just an hour away.
My mother informs me that under no circumstances is that an excuse to miss my college graduation and if i decide it is, she will disown me. And then dismember me.***

So fast forward to this past Tuesday. Hanson is playing nearby.
And this time, I make it.

It's a dream come true. Almost a week later, and my ears are still ringing. I can't pull the smile off my face.

They play their big hits. The crowd screams along. They play their newer, lesser known (and more grown up) songs. And the crowd continues to scream. We belt out every word, dance along to the music and reconnect with the inner teeny bopper that every girl posesses.

And I realized one universal truth about my undying, 15 year love of Hanson:

deep down, I still believe there's hope for me and Zac.



*Although, in their defense, has you ever met a kind 12 year old?
**Have I ever mentioned how much I truly despised and detested middle school?
*** She was serious. My mother doesn't joke about graduations. Especially when it comes to me.

So, i suppose it's time I update?

I wish I could tell you that I've been out making my mark on the world, living every moment and building confidence in my worth as a human being, but that would be a lie. And not even a very believable one.

So here's what I have been doing:

1) Working. I finally found a full time job. Yay for me. It pays roughly was I was making when I was 16 and working in a supermarket. Boo for me. So, I've kept my part time job at Borders. Resulting in roughly 60 hours per week of work, not counting my 45 minute commute to said job. Said job that I do not love, although it is what I love doing. However it is a necessary evil brought on by....

2) Not Going to Graduate School. Since the Governor of my state decided it was beneficial to our already failing educational system to make massive school budget cuts, it did not make sense to take out another $50-70,000 in student loans on a degree that would not get me a job because teachers are getting laid off left and right.

3) Having actual friends. Yes, I have managed to find people in this state that I not only don't despise, but who I actually love very much (despite the 3 year age difference..). They do take up a good portion of my time that would have otherwise been spent trolling the internet and/or blogging (have you noticed it's only fun to blog when you have something to actually say to people?)

4) Being perpetually single. Yes, I've finally accepted the fact that I will in fact soon be a miserable old spinster with 5 cats and no hope of ever finding love. Of course, hanging out with beautiful people (see above) is not doing anything to remedy the situation. However, I suppose the friendship is worth a life of being alone.

5) Carlyn Rose. My beautiful, amazing, happy, laughing, full of life niece who never ceases to bring a smile to my face. At almost 6 months old, she's showing more of her spunky personality every day. She knows she has everyone (from Poppop to Aunt Girl and right on down the line) and uses it to her full advantage. I can't wait to watch her continue to grow and become her own little person. She is absolutely perfect and I would rather never blog again than go with out seeing that face. I mean, how could you *not* love this face?

Baby Carlyn

So I know I've gone MIA from my blog for a few weeks, (aka over a month) but I swear with good reason. My beautiful niece Carlyn Rose arrived on February 19, 2010. And it was truly love at first sight. As I type this now, she is asleep next to me on the couch, my sister out right now.

Earlier tonight, she was fighting sleep: the day (her first holiday) was filled with excitement and she pulled the stubborn 6 week old thing and refused to sleep through any of it. So, around 7, not having slept since she woke up this morning, i walked into another room of the house with her, turned off the lights and rocked and walked. And sang. I sang all the lullabies I knew, and then started to sing Gracie, my favorite Ben Folds song. She looked at me, and her little eyes started to flutter. She got a smile on her face and was full of contentment. And in the moment, her eyes on me, half asleep, I was overcome with how deeply I love her. I can't imagine loving anyone more.

Sunday Smiles

1) Post Secret

2) Sense and Sensibility (love me some Kate Winslet)

3) something to look forward to

4) New music

5) Baby watch 2010

Another writing prompt

You are downsizing and have to get rid of almost everything - what do you keep?

My scrapbooks/pictures
They are probably the most important things to me - they remind me of the people I love, places I have been and memories I can never get back. I can lose everything else and as long as I still have them, i won't worry too much

My move collection
I own more movies than I could possibly count, and yes, I do watch them all.

My books
Books have always provided me with a safe haven, no matter how treacherous the "real world" felt. They gave me an escape, a way to cope with things in my life that I didn't want to deal with and are an absolute necessity in my life. I can't imagine a home with out books

My computer
enough said

My Suzie and Gappie
Suzie and Gappie are two of the only momentos I have left of my childhood, after the move of 07 which no one told me about.

I've had Suzie since I was a baby, slept with her every night and carried her every where with me - including my college dorm room. (first regaling her to the top drawer of my desk, and then realizing that my roommate actually had a Susie as well, brought her out of hiding)

Gappie was one for me by Gia when I was 8. He always reminds me of her.

Sunday Smiles

1) Laughter

2) Progress

3) Brandi Carlile.

Magic was in the air at The Jetty

the sun setting and being a fresh high school graduate, I felt like the world was mine for the taking. We were ready for what came ahead, and sure of who we were. It was the perfect shining moment in a vacation that other wise contained broken hearts, tears, and the beginning of a friendship unraveling.

But at that moment of sunset, sitting on the edge of the jetty, with my friends beside me, dolphins swimming by and the smell of summer in the air, I knew who I was. I knew where I was going. I knew that I would handle anything that came at me.



I thought I was invincible.

Random Musings

It never feels good to feel like someone's last resort.

Nor does it feel good to feel like someone's booty call...minus the booty.

Nor does it feel good to have your friends ignoring you for a reason that you don't know and they won't tell.

It especially doesn't feel good to have to hear this from someone other than your friends.

Nor does it feel good to be sick.

And you know what really doesn't feel good?

Taking a chance. and having it blow up in your face. again and again and again and again and again. And again. And just when you decide to give it one more chance, it once again blows up in your face. And then, when you still have that teeny, tiny, shred of hope that *THIS* will be the time it goes right, that this is why you still take risks despite the fact that they ALWAYS end badly, it ONCE AGAIN BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACE.

i guess what im saying is i don't feel good. about anything.

Sunday Smiles

1) baby showers
2) cute AND comfortable shoes
3) the Golden Globes
4) chinese food
5) Harry Potter

Drastically Change my hair

Before: (I actually had to scroll back to August to find a picture with my hair down)

After (added full bangs, layers, and took 4.5 inches off..)

ch ch ch changes

2010 will be my year.

i will stop smultzing my time, complaining about things i have the power to change and just generally being morose about the fact that i hate my life.

instead, i will start enjoying the things i do like, changing those that i dont, and stop procrastinating.....


ok, well definitely the first two. i mean, it took me 13 days into the new year to post an entry about my desire to change.

A brief, but meaningful conversation with Hunter...x2

(after losing to Hunter at Connect 4, Yahtzee Junior AND Bop it..)

Hunter: Girl, we have to talk.
Me: Ok Hunt, about what?
Hunter: Well, Girl, some days you are a winner. Some days you are a loser. Today, you are a LOSER.

(later)
Hunter: Tonight is almost a full moon
Me: What does that mean?
Hunter: It means when the moon becomes full the werewolves come out.
Me: Well, good thing we don't know any werewolves....
Hunter: but we do!
Me: who?
Hunter: YOU!
Me: I'm a werewolf?
Hunter: Yeah, and don't bite me, Girl.
Me: Well thanks for telling me, Hunt. I didn't know I was a werewolf.*
Hunter: Well Girl, someone had to do it. Might as well be me.

And there you have it, the gospel according to Hunter.

*And all this time i've just thought I was a bitch...

One final thought of 2009...

Merry (belated) Christmas and Hanukkah to you all! And more importantly, a very very Happy Birthday wish to Sharee, who is now officially OLD! Just kidding, love you Roca! (Sharee has the esteemed honor of not only knowing me in real life, but of being one of my sisters.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About New Years, and my resolutions. Which I don't technically need to make, since I have that nifty little goal list on the side of my blog, which I am actually pretty pleased with my accomplishment on. I'm chugging right along on, except for my loosing weight goals (although I did get a wii Fit for christmas, which I love (for now) and should help with that)

But I do have to wonder - does anyone actually stick to their resolutions? I know I try. I really do - 2008 i kept my resolution for 7 months before sliding off the new years wagon. This year I have til 2011 to keep all of my goals - and I think I've made a significant dent in them. Except for the travel ones. Those ones might prove to be a little more difficult, although I do have some vague plans to go to Chicago for Easter and to London in the spring, but we'll see how it looks financially. If it's doable.

So there you have it. I'm sticking my middle finger up at the suckfest known as 2009, but diving head first into 2010, with the belief that not only will it be better but that I will be better.

Happy New Year to you all!

Allow me to climb up onto my soap box for just a moment

On Friday, the National Center for Disease Control released some startling statistics.

The rate of Autism Spectrum Disease has increased from 1 in 140 (as of 2007).

Autism now affects 1 in 70 boys, 1 in 110 children total.

Second, it is now classified as "Autism Spectrum DISEASE" as opposed to the old diagnostics "Autism Spectrum DISORDER."

ONE out of SEVENTY. And the rate is even higher in Minnesota, New Jersey, Florida and Michigan. (1 out of FORTY in NJ)

Think about that, for just a second.

ial

Hunter is lucky. Other children with ASD's are not so lucky.

Every Tuesday, I take Hunter and one of his classmates to bowling practice for the Special Olympics. There are 9 other children on the team, 7 of whom have an ASD. The function on a wide range of levels - from Curtis, who unless you've seen a meltdown, you would never know he was autistic. Down to Delilah, who uses a communication advice to speak. But when she laughs, oh does your heart melt. And those few times, when she does speak, with a bashful look on her face, you have to control your urge to hug her closely.

She doesn't like to be touched, you see.

Autism not only affects it's victims - it affects their families. Delilah's parents have dedicated their lives to making hers reach its full potential. Hunter's father has given everything he has to put his son in the best possible environment.

Other children are not so lucky.

I had a child come through my work last week with his father. The child was visibly autistic. His father slapped him on the head and called him a "fucking retard."

I've never felt so heartsick in my entire life.

Hunter's mother chooses not to be in his life. His father stepped up and is his only parent. He lives with his parents to get support - Hunter is hard to care for on your own all the time.

Curt's mother is a single mother. She is trying her hardest to do what's best for him, but it's hard to keep your temper with him sometimes, especially when he is having a meltdown.

The rate of autism has more than tripled since 2003. Pretty soon, the statistic will increase again. What will it be next? 1 out of 20? When will people sit up and realize that this is truly an epidemic that is kidnapping our children from us?

I'm stepping down from my soap box now.

Sunday Smiles

1) A roof over my head

2) 500 Days of Summer coming out on DVD - TUESDAY

3) A favorite book from your childhood

4) A customer going out of her way to tell her boss about you

5) Laughing until your sides hurt.

Fabulous 50

Rather than right a blog about how when it rains in my life, it freakin tsnumais followed by a tornado,* I figured i'd take a moment to celebrate my 50th entry into this dear blog with one of my favorite things: a list. and rather then dwell on the mess my life is currently resembling, I'd focus on the positive.

So, dear bloggers, we're going to play a game. I give you one of my favorite quotes, and you guess who said it. Person with the most...gets a virtual high 5.

1) "For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."

2) I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.

3) My own life has been much more than a fairy tale. I've had my share of difficult moments, but whatever difficulties I've gone through, I've always gotten the prize at the end.

4) The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

5) Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.

For the sake of hedonism

Anyone who has been around me or my blog for a while knows that I am something of a bibliophile. I adore the written word, and in fact if I could marry The Outsiders or A Tree Grows in Brooklyn or any number of my other favorite books, I would be quite satisfied.

When I was about 8, my mother refused to buy me any more books.* She said she refused to support my obsession with reading. Even my friends knew, at that age, that if they saw me with a book in my hand that I wasn't going to be interested in playing until that book was finished. I've always been the type to read at least 2 books at a time - if not more. Currently, I am reading Wuthering Heights, Holly's Inbox, and The View From Saturday. A classic which requires lots of thought, a chick lit novel, and a children's book. I used to read a Goosebumps and a Babysitter's Club book at the same time, and sometimes a Sweet Valley book.

That being said, you'd think that I would loveeeeee literature classes, or even just plain English classes for that matter.

But I have a confession for you, dear readers. I HATE LITERATURE CLASSES. I've never understood why. I enjoy them to an extent - reading the books, discussing them, what I liked, what I didn't like, but then it would come time to right a paper, or take a test on it, and I would despise it.**

And I've finally realized why: I am completely hedonistic in my love of reading. I read for the pleasure of reading. Not to learn something new, not to expand my mind, not to dissect a book apart until it makes sense. I enjoy reading simply for the love of doing so.

I don't want to analyze books for their symbols, or their themes.*** I simply want to read the story for my enjoyment, and then share it with other people.

I want to read damn it, just for the fun of it. No strings attached.

Kind of like the way a nympho likes sex. Just for the fun of it.****

* She refused to buy me books, but that didn't stop everyone else from doing so. Or from taking me to the library 2-4 times a week, if not more.

**And for the record, I usually enjoy writing papers.

***This could also explain why I despise most poetry.

****If I'm comparing books to sex, maybe I do have a *slight* problem.

Sunday Smiles (15 Minutes late)

1) Leopard print rain boots
2) Rediscovering your favorite childhood books
3) Glee's season finale
4) haircuts
5) toasty rooms.

The Princess and the Frog

I took Hunter to see The Princess and the Frog last night, he's been begging my all week to see it, so I caved and took him. (because the word "SUCKER" is written across my forehead.) I was expecting to find it decent at best, not worthy of comparison to the Disney of my childhood.

I've usually got pretty good instincts, but this time I was wrong.

Disney has always had a special place in my heart. My first memory is going to see The Little Mermaid with my aunt - my first movie. Afterward, we went upstairs on the escalators and went to a store that had an indoor playground, and then a trip to McDonald's. The whole day felt magical. But when you are 3 years old, most days feel that way.

While The Princess and the Frog won't usurp The Little Mermaid, it will definitely find a place in my top 5 Disney movies.

After the movie, Hunter suckered me into a trip to Border's to get the book that goes with the movie. Again, because the word SUCKER is in big bold letters across my forehead.