An impossible battle.

I don't really know whether I believe in fate or not, because I think free will plays a part, but lately I've come to believe that if you do have a particular fate, that no matter how hard you try to fight it, you will get there.*

I decided around the end of May that I was going to move away, to be closer to my friends.** Two weeks later, my little sister finds out she is pregnant.

Can't leave now, can i? So I grudgingly change my plans and decide I can't move away.

Around the end of June, I decide I want to go to graduate school. The program I want is at Towson, 3 hours away. If I get in, I'm going.

The end of July, they are still missing pieces of my paperwork. Nothing on my part, but my transcripts, my GRE scores, all that fun stuff. The woman in admissions tells me not to worry, I can start the semester up to a week into the semester and from what I tell her, she says I won't have a problem getting in.

The day the semester starts, the rest of my paperwork shows up, but that's what's known as the "dead period." They won't start looking at transcripts again until October. But I've already put in 2 weeks at my job, so I decide I will move anyway.

I've never had a problem finding a job before, I usually get the first job I interview for, so I don't anticipate a problem, despite my family's misgivings about me moving with out a job. There are plenty of jobs down there, my friend B got offered 3 jobs in a week. I'll be fine.

Except I'm not. I'm hardly getting interviews. And when I do, that's the last I hear. From multiple employers.

Come home for a weekend to visit, since my sister has a dr. appointment.

And I get offered 3 jobs without applying for a single one.

A family from my old preschool class wants me to come nanny for them.

While at the bookstore, I help a woman pick out some books for her classroom - she is opening a daycare and thinks I would be great from the preschool.

A manager at the bookstore overhears me helping this woman, and asks me if I would be interested in a job in the children's book department.

Sound like fate, much? I guess there is a reason I need to be in NJ for now, as much as it upsets me.

*I've been writing a novel that's narrated by fate, so I suppose that could also be why the topic is on my mind.

**It sounds stupid, but I don't have any friends at home. I don't talk to my high school friends and I despise pretty much everyone else that lives in my area. They're all going no where in life and refuse to see anything that doesn't happen within a 1 mile radius. I doubt most of them have ever heard of Barack Obama, and if they have, i would bet with almost 100% certainty that they don't know who they vice president is.

between a rock....and another rock. with a third rock zoning in right about....now.

I'm not a spontaneous person. I usually think every little action out. I play everything safe.

For once, I decided not to. As I said before, I applied to grad school, quit my job (thinking I would start for the Fall semester), signed a lease to an apartment, found out I COULDNT start grad school, and then moved anyway.

Between savings and my dad, i've done alright for the past 6 weeks. But no job has turned up. Plenty of interviews....but no job. Lots of "I'm sorry, buts..." but no "Congratulations, we'd like to.."

I don't know why. I graduated Cum Laude. I have a diverse and well-suited background for every job I've applied for. I volunteer, I've held leadership positions, and for the preschool jobs I have a kick-ass portfolio of lesson plans, bulletin boards and projects.

But nothing.

Basically, I jumped with out a net and hoped it would appear.

It hasn't. And my freefall to Earth will soon probably end with a splat.

I absolutely DO NOT want to move back to New Jersey. I love my family - but all of my friends are down in Southern PA. I absolutely despise everyone my age in this area...I love being near my 3/4 of my closest friends. Despite the whole not having a job and living basically on the brink of poverty, I'm 09327502375x happier than I was in NJ.

I moved back for a year after college, and I honestly think I cried every day, I hated my life so much. I was completely miserable. I think you can count the number of times I went out at night for the entire year on one hand.

But my dad can't really help me anymore, since his company is on the brink of going bankrupt and my stepmom got laid off 3 months ago.

So what's a girl to do? Do the logical thing and move back home, or stick it out where I am? One thing's for sure, I have seldom few days to make up my mind.

The Plan

The best way I know to change something you despise about yourself is to just do it. Now unfortunately, my many qualms with my body and looks won’t go away over night, and that is what I consider to be the source of much of my unhappiness.

You see, my senior year of college, I decided I was sick of being the “fat one.” So I decided to lose weight and I did, 65 pounds in 9 months. I dropped multiple sizes, and though the curves I desire didn’t show up, I was content with how I looked semi-naked.

And then I moved home.

And I gained back the whole 65 that I lost…And I am as miserable as ever.

So i’ve decided it’s time to say good bye to the pudge for good. (hopefully.)

Before I turn 24, I WILL relose the 65 I’ve regained PLUS another 20.

all leading me to the ultimate goal of finding The One and losing my virginity.

although it doesn’t necessarily have to be in that order.

Just saying.

Reality? No Check...

When I was 10, I wrote a letter to myself, to be read when I turned 21. I figured, according to my calculations, that I would be just graduating college (that mythical place that I always dreamed about) and my life as a real person would begin. I wrote it, thinking that I would never forget about it. But I did and 21 came and went, with out me reading this very important letter addressed to “Ms. Grown-up Girl.”
But shortly before my 23rd birthday, I stumbled across it in a stack of old report cards and other forgotten papers. I read it. And it sent me into a tizzy. At 10, when I pictured my 20s, I saw myself married, with children, and a job that I loved. I even included pictures cut from my American Girl Magazine and Teen Beat of the things that I would have in my life. What my husband would look like, what my kids would look like.
What a dreamer.
Clearly, at 10, 21 is a lot older than it actually is. However, reading the thoughts of my 10 year old self with 23 year old eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder how I ended up here, so far away from who I wanted to be. No boyfriend, no dream job, and definitely no kids. It seemed like I had moved home after graduation and put my life on pause for a while, although I guess time never got the memo.
And so, I took action. Since turning 23 two months ago, I’ve:
applied to graduate school
quit my job
been unable to start said graduate school
relocated 3 hours away from my family anyway
continued to job hunt in this craptastic economy
gone on more bad first dates than I ever thought possible.

…in that order.

Not to mention that I:
haven’t had a real relationship since high school
am unqualified for any job that a really want
and have come to accept that I am not the heinous creature i’ve always seen when i looked in the mirror, but still hate my boxy pot-bellied curveless body anyway

oh, and the clincher? at 23, I have yet to lose my virginity. a real sore spot in my side. Probably one of the things that bothers me most in life.

This has to change. I need to hit the play button back on my life. These are supposed to be some of the best years of my life, and I am squandering them away while I wait for life to sweep me up.

And thus has begun what I have dubbed my pre-quarterlife crisis.