Where's the Love?

My family takes an annual vacation to the shore every year. We have for as long as I can remember. It's ALWAYS the first week in August. And we've always been pretty lucky as far as weather goes - I can remember it raining literally 1 day on all of our vacations, ever.

I was 9 or 10 that year, and my dad and uncles decided a trip to the nearby mall - which the woman at the front desk of the hotel said had an indoor playground. So off we went. What better way to keep 6 children, ages 10 to 6 entertained on a rainy vacation day?

If only my father had known what he would start that day.

We walk into the mall and see signs about a free concert for a new, relatively unknown pop band. I begged my dad to take me, and he obliged. Quality father daughter time or something like that.

We listen to the band - they are brothers, according to the signs. The youngest is my age, maybe a year older.

I'm instantly smitten. The band? Hanson. You know, "Mmmbop," long haired blonde brothers?

I've been a die-hard fan ever since. When Middle of Nowhere hit stores later that year and my fellow fifth grade classmates were drooling over Taylor, I already knew every word to the whole album, and most importantly that Zac was my future husband.

Ah, 10 year olds. Zac Hanson. Wasn't really dreaming big, was I?

Anyway, the next summer, they were touring and a friend's mom was buying tickets for her birthday for her and 3 friends. I was psyched. I had to see them.

My mother wouldn't let me go. My friends, the sweethearts* that they were, called me from a pay phone at the concert to let me know what I was missing. That Zac was cute and they were playing songs off their new album and they had both bought concert shirts and OMG how amazing it was and didn't it suck that I wasn't there? But I shouldn't be too jealous, because they were only in the 10th row. Not the first.

Fast forward a few months, when one of my friends comes over. She laughs at the Hanson covered walls and informs me that they are so elementary school and the N*Sync is what is cool now, and that I should take them down and she won't tell anyone I was so uncool.**
I take them down, silently apoligizing to the boys. She helps me find an N*Sync poster in a magazine to hang up, until I get more.

Once she's gone, all my Hanson posters come back up.

Fast forward 9, almost 10 years. It's the day of my college graduation and Hanson is playing just an hour away.
My mother informs me that under no circumstances is that an excuse to miss my college graduation and if i decide it is, she will disown me. And then dismember me.***

So fast forward to this past Tuesday. Hanson is playing nearby.
And this time, I make it.

It's a dream come true. Almost a week later, and my ears are still ringing. I can't pull the smile off my face.

They play their big hits. The crowd screams along. They play their newer, lesser known (and more grown up) songs. And the crowd continues to scream. We belt out every word, dance along to the music and reconnect with the inner teeny bopper that every girl posesses.

And I realized one universal truth about my undying, 15 year love of Hanson:

deep down, I still believe there's hope for me and Zac.



*Although, in their defense, has you ever met a kind 12 year old?
**Have I ever mentioned how much I truly despised and detested middle school?
*** She was serious. My mother doesn't joke about graduations. Especially when it comes to me.

So, i suppose it's time I update?

I wish I could tell you that I've been out making my mark on the world, living every moment and building confidence in my worth as a human being, but that would be a lie. And not even a very believable one.

So here's what I have been doing:

1) Working. I finally found a full time job. Yay for me. It pays roughly was I was making when I was 16 and working in a supermarket. Boo for me. So, I've kept my part time job at Borders. Resulting in roughly 60 hours per week of work, not counting my 45 minute commute to said job. Said job that I do not love, although it is what I love doing. However it is a necessary evil brought on by....

2) Not Going to Graduate School. Since the Governor of my state decided it was beneficial to our already failing educational system to make massive school budget cuts, it did not make sense to take out another $50-70,000 in student loans on a degree that would not get me a job because teachers are getting laid off left and right.

3) Having actual friends. Yes, I have managed to find people in this state that I not only don't despise, but who I actually love very much (despite the 3 year age difference..). They do take up a good portion of my time that would have otherwise been spent trolling the internet and/or blogging (have you noticed it's only fun to blog when you have something to actually say to people?)

4) Being perpetually single. Yes, I've finally accepted the fact that I will in fact soon be a miserable old spinster with 5 cats and no hope of ever finding love. Of course, hanging out with beautiful people (see above) is not doing anything to remedy the situation. However, I suppose the friendship is worth a life of being alone.

5) Carlyn Rose. My beautiful, amazing, happy, laughing, full of life niece who never ceases to bring a smile to my face. At almost 6 months old, she's showing more of her spunky personality every day. She knows she has everyone (from Poppop to Aunt Girl and right on down the line) and uses it to her full advantage. I can't wait to watch her continue to grow and become her own little person. She is absolutely perfect and I would rather never blog again than go with out seeing that face. I mean, how could you *not* love this face?

between a rock....and another rock. with a third rock zoning in right about....now.

I'm not a spontaneous person. I usually think every little action out. I play everything safe.

For once, I decided not to. As I said before, I applied to grad school, quit my job (thinking I would start for the Fall semester), signed a lease to an apartment, found out I COULDNT start grad school, and then moved anyway.

Between savings and my dad, i've done alright for the past 6 weeks. But no job has turned up. Plenty of interviews....but no job. Lots of "I'm sorry, buts..." but no "Congratulations, we'd like to.."

I don't know why. I graduated Cum Laude. I have a diverse and well-suited background for every job I've applied for. I volunteer, I've held leadership positions, and for the preschool jobs I have a kick-ass portfolio of lesson plans, bulletin boards and projects.

But nothing.

Basically, I jumped with out a net and hoped it would appear.

It hasn't. And my freefall to Earth will soon probably end with a splat.

I absolutely DO NOT want to move back to New Jersey. I love my family - but all of my friends are down in Southern PA. I absolutely despise everyone my age in this area...I love being near my 3/4 of my closest friends. Despite the whole not having a job and living basically on the brink of poverty, I'm 09327502375x happier than I was in NJ.

I moved back for a year after college, and I honestly think I cried every day, I hated my life so much. I was completely miserable. I think you can count the number of times I went out at night for the entire year on one hand.

But my dad can't really help me anymore, since his company is on the brink of going bankrupt and my stepmom got laid off 3 months ago.

So what's a girl to do? Do the logical thing and move back home, or stick it out where I am? One thing's for sure, I have seldom few days to make up my mind.

A brief but meaningful conversation with Elly.

I've babysat for this particular family for 3 years - the oldest, Elly, is almost 11. The middle girl, Anna, is 7 and the baby, Jane, is almost 3. Elly is probably the smartest child I have ever met in my entire life.
As a (relevant) example, a conversation we had during Jamie Lynn Spears' hayday went something like this.
(while watching Zoey 101)
Elly: Ms. Girl, do you know that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant?
Me: yes...
Elly: And that she is only 16?
Me: yes....
(cue Anna: stopping her homework to watch the conversation)
Elly: One of my friends from school said that was a bad choice.
Me: Well, yeah.
Elly: Well, how is it a choice?
Me: Wh-what do you mean, Ells?
Elly: How is it a choice?
Me: That's a really good question for your mom. Why don't you ask her when she comes home? Who wants ice cream?
Elly: I already asked her.
Me: And what did she say?
Elly: I'm not telling you. I want you to tell me first?
Me: Why?
Elly: To make sure you say the same thing.
(cue Janie crying)
Me: Oh, there's the baby! I better go make sure she is ok!

fast forward to last week...
Elly: Do you remember me asking you about Jamie Lynn Spears?
Me: Yes...
Elly: My mom finally told me the truth.*
Me: Well that's good...
Elly: Why didn't you tell me?
Me: because you're mom can explain it better.
Elly: I don't think so.
Me: Why?
Elly: I don't think she knows what she's talking about.

Avoidance should really be my middle name.

I'm a true procrastinator in every sense of the word. I put things off until the last possible minute, every time, never fail. It's how I deal with confrontation.

I avoid avoid avoid. The messy bathroom? been messy for over a week. The books the cat knocked off the book shelf last week? still on the floor. The pile of clothes? Sitting across the room from the laundry basket. Matilda's litter box? scooped it on Thursday.

Guy I've decided I don't want to talk to anymore? avoid. Bad hookup who wants to do it again? run the other way when I see him. Mother who's trying to get in touch with me? don't answer her 4 emails, 9 phones calls, 4 text messages and 2 wall posts to my facebook (although in my defense it's because i dont want to say something i will regret in 10 years)

I know it's a problem, and I know that I need to stop being such a wuss and grow a set. But I can't help but think about the times I've faced something head on...like the mess referred to by my friends as the St. Patrick's Day Incident that Never Happened of 08. (oh yes, there is more than one SPDItNH..March 17th has never been my finest day..)

The week before St. Patty's Day, I met this guy, who we'll call WWIT*. Wwit was nice, albeit slightly dorky (just the way I like them) and better yet: socially awkward enough to make me the more outgoing party. We talked a little, and then I made the mistake of mentioning to one of my friends that I thought Wwit was slightly cute.
She told me that he was a good friend of hers, had never kissed a girl, and then ran off to organize the hookup. She always had a big mouth, damn her. There was no way I was hooking up with someone who had never kissed a girl at 22.
4 shots of tequila and 2 cherry bombs later, I decided that a kissing virgin was better than nothing and proceeded to talk to him for the rest of the night. A little after 2, I decided my roommate would be asleep and I could drag him home. We get up to my room, and all of the sudden I have to pee. I mumble something about having to pee, come downstairs and look in the mirror.
My hot and smokey eyes look a little smeared..ok more then a little. They look like raccoon eyes, and my face is bright red as it always is when I'm drunk. But really. I don't think he's in any position to complain and after my 6 month makeout dry spell, I really don't care. So I head back upstairs and pray hes as drunk as I am.
I open the door. He's naked. on my bed. at half mass.

WTF?

I close the door, open it again, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. And sure enough, there he is. still naked.
I can't help it. I start to laugh.
Apparently, this is offensive, as suddenly he's not even at half mass.
Wwit asks me if i'm always like this before sex.
I ask him if he always expects sex before any foreplay.
He asks me to define what I mean by foreplay.
I tell him to put his clothes on and i'll show him.
In my drunken state, this still seems doable.
He gets dressed and I attempt to makeout with him. He informs me that he doesn't enjoy kissing, but prefers to get right into other stuff and proceeds to start groping me.
And I think wow, he might not be into kissing, but he must have some inborn instinct about how to move his mouth around a boob.
And then the pants come off. And I suddenly have to pee again.
Go back downstairs, and pass out on the bathroom floor**
When I come back upstairs in the morning, he's gone.
It's a fairly small campus, but fortunately for me I never see Wwit on campus since he is a business major and never has classes in the Humanities and Life Science buildings. My friend who originally introduced us told me that he had a great time and wants to do it again. I am completely flabbergasted. WTF? Is he INSANE? Or did he time-travel and assume that I am the owner of his v-card?

The next weekend, St. Patty's Day weekend. Kegs and eggs at the college bar, a pastime at my school. My roommates and I manage to get a table, and are sitting there when Wwit comes in with his friends. I quickly hide under the table. Avoidance #1 is successful, he doesn't see me.

Later that day, we're on our porch doing Irish car bombs and drinking green beer*** when Wwit is walking down the street, again with his friends (later find out they are his roommates). I run into the house and stay hidden, hoping he has just kept walking by instead of stopping by to see if I'm home. Avoidance #2 is a success.

Later that night, at the bar. How we are still alive at this point, I do not know. I turn around and bump straight into Wwit.
He asks me if he can come over tonight.
I laugh at him and ask him if he is mentally disturbed, really naive, or if he is suffering from one night amnesia.
Apparently this is about as amusing as laughing at someone who is naked in your bed.
he tells me that he had a great time, until I passed out.
I inform him that I passed out because he was such a stud.
this sarcasm was not well received. by not well received, i mean he thought i was serious.
he informs me that if i enjoyed last weekend, i would enjoy tonight even more.
i double over in laughter.
he tells me laughter is not a turn on.
NEITHER ARE YOU, i yell. before puking on his shoes.****

*stands for what was i thinking.
**this may or may not have been done on purpose
***how exactly do they make it green? I try not to think about this....
****For the record, that was the second time in my entire life I have ever vomited while drinking. The first time I later found out that I had the stomach flu.


This is why I avoid. Confrontation does not suit me.

Are there few things...

that a day with your best friends can't fix? Is there anything a day with your friends can't fix? B, K and I spent the whole day watching movies. And we went to the castle park (a huge playground with old-fashioned wooden structures), stalked out our sorority sisters on campus and went out for sushi.
I felt so much better in so many ways. I wasn't stressing out about money issues, or family issues (even though a few more did in fact pop up today) or the daunting job hunt. I just enjoyed spending time with two of my favorite people.

My cousin Ar asked me if they were my best friends now instead of B. And I really thought about it. Are they? It's true, when I'm in crisis I turn to them first. They're the people i hang out with most, and i talked to each of them daily. Have they replaced B as my best friend?
I guess on the surface that's what it seems like, but the truth is it's really more complicated than that. When you're a child, it's black and white, you have your best friend, you have your other friends. As an adult, it's gets more complicated. I have my best friend since high school, I have my best friends from college, and they are important to me in different ways.

The lambdas...We've changed a lot in the 3 years the 5 of us have been friends. Our friendship has changed a lot, but the core of it is still there. We've been to Hell and back together, and I can't really think of anyone who I have ever been more comfortable around. We're completely honest with each other, to the point of brutality sometimes. We laugh way too loud and always seem to cause a bit of trouble where ever we go...but that's what makes us, us.