Baby Carlyn

So I know I've gone MIA from my blog for a few weeks, (aka over a month) but I swear with good reason. My beautiful niece Carlyn Rose arrived on February 19, 2010. And it was truly love at first sight. As I type this now, she is asleep next to me on the couch, my sister out right now.

Earlier tonight, she was fighting sleep: the day (her first holiday) was filled with excitement and she pulled the stubborn 6 week old thing and refused to sleep through any of it. So, around 7, not having slept since she woke up this morning, i walked into another room of the house with her, turned off the lights and rocked and walked. And sang. I sang all the lullabies I knew, and then started to sing Gracie, my favorite Ben Folds song. She looked at me, and her little eyes started to flutter. She got a smile on her face and was full of contentment. And in the moment, her eyes on me, half asleep, I was overcome with how deeply I love her. I can't imagine loving anyone more.

Aussie land? Mais, je suis.

I envy him. In Hunter's world, everything happens the way he wants it to, and if it doesn't, he moves on.
He wants to go to Australia? He's going to Australia. He realizes it costs money? No big deal, he's going to play his harmonica for money and then go.
Dad won't let him out of the house to play his harmonica? No problem. He goes on youtube and it's all better.
He is self-content, not relying on others for his happiness. He could go days with out communicating with anyone, and it wouldn't make a difference to him, not at all.
Disappointment doesn't last long in Hunter's world. Neither does sadness. He's mostly a little ball of happiness and energy.
Yes, I envy him.

But then I think about to other side of it..he can't tell you how others are feeling. he doesn't feel empathy. He doesn't feel guilt. His emotions can be categorized as either "happy" or "momentarily sad." He doesn't have words for anything else he feels. Mostly, it's happiness.

He lives in the moment. He isn't thinking about the future, he isn't thinking about something that happened 2 years ago. He's thinking about now.

I envy him sometimes, I really do.

The hardest thing I'll ever have to do

Addiction runs in my family.

I grew up knowing my father and his brothers were alcoholics. When I was 12, i found out that my father was also a heroine addict. I'm proud to say he's been clean and sober for 7 years.
My mother has an alcohol problem - i don't know if i'd say addiction yet, but it's heading that way.

It runs in my family. I've known this. It's something that i find myself battling against every day - I try not to drink often, because I don't want to develop that addiction.

I've never so much as tried smoking pot. I try not to gamble either. It's how I try and minimize my chances.

We've known for a while that my little brother has a drinking problem. He's only 17..so young to have something that lasts for your entire life.

Tonight was the final straw. He got a friend to by liquor for him - drank the entire thing. He had gotten into a fight with his sometimes girlfriend earlier in the night. He ran out of the door and down the road. We live off of 2 highways and several fairly busy roads. I got in my car and went to look for him. My sister - who is pregnant - got in her car and went the other way.

It's mischief night. the cops are out in full force. And he's stumbling running down the street, punching anything that got in his way.
Finally, he falls and passes out on the road. On one of the main streets in our town.
Fortunately, someone stopped and helped us get him into the car. He woke up and started banging his head against the door.
I've never felt so helpless in my entire life.
He asked to get checked into rehab. He started crying, telling us he's been doing coke. He wants to die. He yells that his mother abandoned him. His father hates him.

meanwhile, my heart is breaking.
he's sleeping on the couch beside me right now.
tomorrow, we will take him to a teen rehab center about an hour away.
it will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

mikey, i wish i knew how to help you. i wish i could take this pain for you. i'm your big sis, it's what i'm supposed to do. but i can't. i don't have the right skills to help you. i can't make you listen to me like when we were little. i can't change this.
so tomorrow, when you are angry and upset, know that me and becca are doing this because we love you. because we can't stand to see you continue on this path. because we don't know what else to do. because we want you to live up to all the potential you have inside of you. you are a good person - you're just a little lost right now.
and it's ok. we all stumble sometimes. but the most important thing is that we have to pick ourselves up, even if that means accepting help from others. even if it means doing something hard. i promise, we will make it better.
even if it means putting your faith into someone or something else.
i love you little brother. even when you are having trouble.

Milk and Cookies

Dear Gia,

I woke up thinking about you today. It's not your birthday, it's not the day you died. It's just another day. But you were on my mind this morning. Although, you are never far from it.

Can you believe in June, you will have been gone for 5 long years? I look back and try to see where those 5 years have gone, but I can't. I remember when it was one month, and 6 months, and how terrible it still felt one year later. It still feels terrible, but I no longer trick myself into believing you are alive.

Except at Christmas. When Aunt Sharon comes through the door at Christmas, I still half believe that you will be right behind her. I wonder if that will change this year.

It's hard to believe that you would be 25 if you were still here - do you get older, where you are? Or are you still 21, younger than me now...the same age your sister is? That was tough for Aunt Sharon and Aunt Bunny - that exactly a month from now, your little sister will be older than you ever lived to be. I know it's on their mind, because when that day happened -the day I was older than you had lived to be, Aunt Bunny called me. She told me I was officially the oldest.

I'd rather still be the second oldest.

I wonder if Aunt Bunny still counts your death in days. I know Aunt Sharon doesn't, but last Christmas - Christmas is always hard - when someone spoke your name (you see, we still talk about you. We remember.) - a memory about something impish you did when we were little, and it was just the 2 of us - she said "it's been 1,298 days since my grandbaby left us. how many more until we see her again?"

I wish we had an answer for her.

We still miss you. Becky is having a baby, but I'm sure you already knew that. He or She will be the first person born in our family since you died - another milestone. DJ was only a baby when you died, and now he is in preschool, and like you, a little mischievous imp. But Carlin-Rose or Michael will not know you at all. There will be no pictures of him or her with you, there will be nothing to tell them "Your Auntie Gia once tickled you until you cried." about you - because the two of you will not have existed in the same world.

I remember on that terrible day, June 2, 2005 - a day that is forever burned into my heart - that I thought the world would stop. That time would never move forward and that it was just a matter of time until we all woke up from this terrible nightmare.

But the world started moving again, way too soon. And time proceeded on.

And worst of all, it's wasn't a nightmare that could be stopped.

almost 4 and a half years later, the tears don't come as often. the memories don't always bring a tear and hearing your name can bring a smile.

But hearing Baby Got Back or riding a roller coaster brings me back. Eating a cookie dunked in milk, seeing Jello commercials, the water pistol games on the boardwalks - they all bring you to mind.

And seeing a little girl who wants nothing more than to be like the big cousin she adores always stops me in my tracks. And it brings me back to our childhood and sometimes it feels so real that it's hard to believe it all happened so long ago.

But the reality always comes back too quickly.

You are gone, and I am still here.

I love you. And I miss you. Always.

A brief but meaningful story as told by Hunter.

Hunter, being the little doll that he is, wanted to tell "scary stories" before bedtime tonight....his fiercest?

Hunter: (takes falshlight and shines it up under his face) Once upon a time there was a cousin named Girl....and she was all alone forever.
Me: ......
Hunter: Your supposed to say AHHHHHHHHHH Girl, that's the scary part.


My nine year old autistic cousin knows I'm going to be alone for my entire life. And he's right - that may in fact be the scariest story I've ever heard.

Family.

When I talk about family, I could go in so many directions - my friends, who are like my family, my father's side of the family (who could be compared to My Cousin Vinny), actually, I could probably go on for a while about my father. Or, I could talk about my mother's family.

Growing up in my family was almost like growing up in a commune. . In my family there's no "second" cousins, or "great" aunts, (just GREAT aunts).... there's barely a distinction between cousins and siblings, or parents and aunts/uncles. There certainly isn't any difference between full siblings, half siblings and step siblings.

We pretty much had free run between our homes, weekends were definitely spent at Aunt Judy's, or Aunt Mimi's, never at home. Sometimes even weeknights were spent there. And believe me, if you acted up at Aunt Lisa's, you got in just as much trouble with her as you would have with your mom, if not more.

I'm the oldest by 2 years, and the only one who doesn't have a cousin my age. If you ask my brother Mikey who his best friend is, he will tell you my cousin Joe. Bex will tell you that her best friend is our cousin Ange. My brother AJ- his best friends are our cousins Ar and Kev.

It wasn't until I went away to college that I realized that my family is not the norm. Not everyone had Aunts, Uncles and Cousins within grabbing distance. Until I went to college, I never found anything odd about this situation. My college friends didn't and still don’t understand why it is that I am just as attached to my extended family as I am to the family I live with. Even when people ask me to talk about my immediate family, I still can’t help but talk about my aunts, grandmothers and cousins.

I was the first person in my family to graduate high school with out first dropping out, let alone go to college. My graduation, which in any family is a big deal, was a BIG DEAL in my family. Fortunately, Spring graduation doesn't require tickets and anyone can go. I remember marching out, Pomp and Circumstance playing, people all around clapping and cheering for their grads as they walk by.

I look over, and there is my family. Cheering. Mom, Dad, Suzanne, Mommom, Nana, Aunt Judy, Uncle Joe, Bex, AJ, Chris, Aunt Lisa, Aunt Mimi - Ar, Christian, Nellie, Uncle Bo, Angela, Ryan, Mikey. 28 people in all - there to watch me graduate and cheer me on. And that was just the family who was old enough - the youngest of my cousins were at home with the rest of my uncles. My friends laughed and called it "The Girl Fan Club." They were curious as to why my "whole family" was there.

I laughed and explained that it wasn't anywhere near my whole family. And then I explained the universal truth about them - they are just as much a part of my as my mother and sister are, they have done just as much to shape the adult I am becoming, have become. I can't even fathom who I would be without them.

.001 down, 100.998 to go!

51) Watch 25 new movies (1/25)

Watched The Hangover with K and Re yesterday. I think that may be the hardest I've ever laughed at a movie. Especially the end credits.

I talked to my sister Bex yesterday. October 19th I will find out whether I am having a niece or nephew!!!
And she also told me that when my brother was still groggy and coming out of anesthesia the other day after his emergency surgery, that he was crying for Mommy. I really wish I had the capability to hate her for that.
I also informed Mikey that if he EVER scares me like that again, I will kill him.